It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about the state of my mental health, but I’m sat here watching BBC Three’s ‘Don’t call me crazy’ and I thought I’d best put pen to paper/fingers to keys.
I’m on a new set of anti-depressants and they seem to be more effective than the last ones, although they leave a nasty aftertaste in my mouth! If that’s not something to help me “get well” I don’t know what is! They give me more balance in my emotions and I’ve been told that I’m more like my old self recently.
This upsurge in emotions can probably also be linked to my knee recovery too. I don’t suffer as much pain anymore and there’s nowhere near as much swelling on the joint. I’ve not had any extra treatment for it, it’s just improved over the last few months. This has also led to me exercising again, which is a great help to many people in countering their depression, and I can feel it helping me. The only problem is that it can be difficult still to force myself to get dressed and go out to run. The mental effort is sometimes just too much.
I’m interacting more with people now too. I went on a week long training course recently to sharpen up my job skills and chatted happily to the other students, participated in roleplay exercises and got involved in the class discussions. A few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to cope. The noise and the pressure to participate would’ve left me morose and uncommunicative.
This week I met someone I chat to on Twitter for coffee (diet coke and fruit smoothies actually, but you get the gist) and didn’t panic too much beforehand. Usually the idea of meeting strangers and taking part in smalltalk fills me with dread – I don’t go out much, I’m not currently working, I don’t really have hobbies, and this leaves me rather restricted on conversational topics – but I think I coped ok! It helps that my new friend is lovely!
The little things aren’t getting to me as much these days. I’m not getting so angry or emotional over stupid insignificant matters, I don’t feel the need to withdraw from my family and spend time alone so much. I’m finding life easier. It’s like I can remember the rules again and I know how to play, whereas before I felt like I was the only player without a piece and didn’t know whether to roll the dice or spin the wheel. I’m not winning by any means, but at least I get to play.