Cunt Of The Week #2

I’ve captured a whale of a cunt for you this week! The most senior Catholic in Britain, the former Archbishop of St. Andrews and Edinburgh, Cardinal Keith O’Brien!

If you’ve not been watching the news this week, let me fill you in. Cardinal Keith has been forced to resign his position by one of the last acts of the outgoing pope, Benedict. Why you ask? Well it turns out that at least five priests have made complaints against him on the grounds of sexual impropriety. Naughty naughty. This is in clear violation of his vows of chastity and celibacy, the church’s stance on homosexuality, and the conduct expected of someone in such a position of power.

His office initially referred to the allegations as “unsubstantiated, non-specific and anonymous” and threatened legal action against a daily newspaper for running the story. However, he has since stepped down and released the following statement:

“In recent days certain allegations which have been made against me have become public. Initially, their anonymous and non-specific nature led me to contest them.

“However, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal.

“To those I have offended I apologise and ask forgiveness. To the Catholic church and people of Scotland, I also apologise. I will now spend the rest of my life in retirement. I will play no further part in the public life of the Catholic church in Scotland.”

So he’s owned up and resigned, done the decent thing you might say, but he’s still a cunt and I’ll tell you why:

-He was in a position of power and abused that to intimidate his victims into silence.
-He only resigned because he was forced to.
-His actions are meant to be a shining example of how to lead a Christian life and inspire others to live well.
-He was once a liberal, but sold out his views to become a cardinal and took up a hardline stance against homosexuality and marriage for priests.

He let down his church, his religion, his victims, his congregation, but worst of all himself. He preached that homosexuality was a sin and ignored his own feelings on the subject, siding with the Catholic church’s hardline stance rather than admitting the truth to himself. What a cunt.

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When is beef not beef?

I can see why these food processing plants are getting confused. Cows have four legs, horses have four legs. Cows have hooves, horses have hooves. Cows have udders, horses have… Oh, hang on a minute…

So now there’s a huge scandal and everyone’s trying to figure out if they’ve eaten horsemeat or not. But why is this such a problem? Obviously there’s a whole bunch of people out there who’ve eaten Tesco burgers or Findus lasagne and failed to notice the difference!

A few years ago my wife and I and a few friends went out to the south of France for a holiday, renting a house from my wife’s colleague. Very thoughtfully he’d sent us an email informing us about the weekly activity in the village, when the markets were on, when the bread van came round in the morning, that kind of thing. Also included was a warning not to buy meat from the van that turned up on a Friday. This wasn’t just any old meat van, no, this was the chevallier, the horse butcher.

Now being adventurous sorts, it was decided that Friday would be barbecue night and horse steak was on the menu! None of us had ever tried it before, and like a week old pheasant, we were game.

The week passed and we explored, went white water kayaking, drank vast quantities of locally produced wine, ate lunch in the middle of a castle. All the usual things one does on holiday. Then Friday came and we realised that despite being within spitting distance of the Mediterranean sea, we hadn’t been to the beach! We packed up our rental cars, flipped a coin to see who was leading the grand voyage dans la plage, and set off southward to the med.

It was a great journey, well signposted and smooth driving, even through Beziers’ one way system. The beach was beautiful and clean, and a lovely day was had by all (even though the water was freezing). We set off home again and took the road back to Beziers with plenty of time to spare so that we might rendezvous with the chevallier. Beziers was to be our downfall though…

The bright well signposted town of the morning had now become a dark cesspit containing the one way system birthed by Satan himself. We took over an hour to find our way out of town, only to find we’d exited to the west with no viable route back to the house. Back we went into the fragrant bowels of Beziers, lost, without hope, and running out of time. Eventually the long searched for escape from Lucifer’s burning arse was discovered and a homeward course was set. The joy was short lived however as we realised that we would fail to return in time to buy the evening’s barbeque fodder.

Shergar supper was beyond us. Redrum rump steak was just a dream. We had fallen at the final hurdle on the last furlong of our journey.

I’ve still yet to try horsemeat. Maybe I need to eat more ready meals.